Foolish Games

 My son has had a very hard few months recently from the perspective of his mental health. He has recently graduated from high school, and though that is not solely the cause it is certainly a contributor.  It is so painful as parent to watch your child hurt. It is so painful to watch as your own mistakes and failings are a piece of the trauma that child is experiencing.

When my kiddos were growing up I would joke to them, "I may not be perfect but I'll pay for your therapy." As they got older I changed that to "I may not be perfect, but at least yo have something to talk about in therapy." Because the original statement might have gotten expensive, there was a lot of imperfection to be wrestled with. 

As a single dad for a significant portion of their childhood, I has people regularly praise me for what an awesome dad I was. I had the humility to reply, "You see the outside, but they know the reality." The reality is I did do some things really well; but I also did other things very poorly. I gave them independence and autonomy; but the two older ones have both shared how too much of those things left them feeling unanchored and unprotected. For most of the time they were growing up I attempted to balance my day job which put a roof over our heads, and food on the table with my other job in making theater which fed my soul and provided a good portion of our disposable income.  I felt they understood, we got to live in a home that always had food on the table and had the resources to do fun things together, and the trade off was most of my time was split between these two worlds. I have come to understand on at least some level they did not understand that, or if they understood they did not feel they had any consent in the arrangement. 

I am not saying these shortcomings are the reasons my son is struggling with his mental health; but I am saying these scary days get me thinking about what I have done right and wrong in my role as a father. It has me thinking about an event from my college years. It was just after break my junior year I believe. That summer I heard Jewel play Point Fest in St Louis, which was before she had hit it big. I loved her music and bought an EP. As we were u packing the apartment I played my room mate's girlfriend, "Foolish Games" and she not understanding I was just playing an artist I had seen that summer asked if the song was about me. I was shocked and asked why, she read back the lyrics “Always felt I was outside looking in on you. You're always the mysterious one with Dark eyes and careless hair. You were fashionably sensitive but too cool to care.”  I asked her if that meant she thought I was arrogant, to which she assured me she definitely did. WOW! The truth is I am NEVER “too cool to care” instead I HIDE my anxiety and fear of rejection in seeming arrogant. I was doing that in my high school and college years, and I see how that remained unchanged in my role as a parent. When my marriage fell apart, and my life unraveled my depression and anxiety spiked to levels I had never experienced.  I have spent my whole life proud of my ability to detach and problem solve internally. This skill is fabulous in a work setting, but toxic in a relationship and in parenting. The toxicity is first to myself because all that emotional pain gets internalized and reeks physical havoc on my body. In the months before the marriage ended my whole body was covered in psoriasis and I was barely eating because I was detached and internalizing so much. After we split, I continued this pattern showing no sign on the outside of how much I was hurting. I gave no one any hint out loud of my depression. My children however, they knew it. They felt it. They experienced it. They were strong and silent about it, because I was strong and silent about it. Now, eight years later, I am able to understand that not just my wife had left, she was their mom too. They needed support not independence. They needed safety not autonomy, but me, I was fashionably sensitive but to cool to care... It is so much easier to see how we are causing harm when we're looking in the rearview mirror. My role as a parent has been filled with a lot of foolish games and it is my children who bear that load. It is me, who has the remainder of a life to build back something stronger, better, and safer than what they experienced at their first "worst moment." It is me who will have to be here differently when hard roads and deep pain surface again. This time, I am working on being present, available, and mature enough to not play foolish games with these kiddos I love so much.

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Lastly, maybe related and maybe unrelated I wanted to include 2 poems I have written for my son as he is going through these struggles. He gave his permission for me to post them publicly.

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One Day

One day you may come to me

To let me know the ways 

I failed to parent you

In all the ways you needed parenting.

You may tell me how 

My workaholic nature left you 

Feeling Neglected.

You may tell me how

My extensive travel left you

Feeling Ignored

You may me remind me how

Our new home left you

Isolated and Disconnected from Community.

You may emphasize to me how

A new partner and a new baby

Led to feeling sidelined.

You may tell me a hundred

Other ways I was not 

what and who you needed.

Or maybe that one day will never come

Maybe all those words 

You need to say will stay 

Nestled inside your emotional vault.

If you never say

I left you feeling neglected

I know, and I am sorry.

If you never say

I left you feeling ignored

I know, and I am sorry.

If you never say

My decisions led to your isolation

I know, and I am sorry.

If you never say

You felt I sidelined you

I know, and I am sorry.

 

If you never say

All those other things you needed

Please know, I am still sorry.

Neglected, Ignored, Isolated, Sidelined

And in so many other ways

We were walking the same path in those days.

I did not reach past my own pain into yours.

One day I might be able 

To let you know I know

I let my own struggles fail

To translate my love for you

Into all the ways you needed parenting.

One day my own vault 

May open wide enough 

To love you in all the ways you needed

Till then, I am still loving you

Just the best I can.

Father's  Day

I want you for Father’s Day
I want you for another day.
I want you for ten thousand tomorrows.
I want you as you step bravely into each of those days.

I want to see where your darkness lies
I want to sit in that blackout with you
I want to be there when the first rays of light crack back in.
I want to watch your opaque walls become illuminated windows.

I want you to heal
I want you to journey deep inside yourself
I want you to find your most wounded spaces
I want you to let us guide you as you mend what festers there.

I want to see you take on the world 

I want to see you take discomfort and grow from it
I want to see your dreams as a loom
I want to see  your vision woven into material that changes the world.

I want stories of moments that have wowed you, stole your breath, and stilled your spirit.
I want stories of heartaches, micro achievements, and great triumphs.
I want stories of journeys that inspired, exhausted, and transformed you.
I want stories of a life filled with adventure, community, and wonder.

I want to be here when you become the man that is already budding.
I want to be here when you become the healer rather than the hurting
I want to be here to see the love you sow back into the world.
I want to be here when you are your own greatest dream.

I want to tell you that forest fires clear space for new life's emergence.
I want to tell you that you are loved as fiercely as that flame.
I want to tell you that you are a piece of my heart and soul, wrapped in skin.
I want to tell you that you are my gift for Father’s Day.